IS THAT A CHAINSAW IN YOUR POCKET? OR.......

Oh Dear.

Painful

HE wasn't happy to see them, he genuinely was trying to conceal a stolen chainsaw in his trousers.
Cops say that instead of trying a grab it and run Anthony Black, who suprisingly enough appeared intoxicated at the time, came up with a more cunning plan to get away with the deadly saw. 
Taking it down from the wall he shoved it into his pants and tried to walk out as if nothing had happened. 
But while some shop staff thought he was handicapped, others were more suspicious of his noticeable waddle.

George Graham, who witnessed the incident said: "I seen the bar between his legs. It was pretty obvious. Imagine it in the front of your pants."
"This is a little unique, simply because of how large the item was," Chickasha Police Assistant Chief Elip Moore explained.
Paul Horton, the hardware store's manager, added that it was" "the first time I've ever seen a chainsaw go down anyone's britches."

A limping Black was eventually chased from the store, ditching the chainsaw in the process and ended when he dived headfirst into a creek.

After fishing him out of the shallow water, he was arrested. 
"He could have cut himself up real good. He'd have been walking with a permanent limp," Graham explained. The chainsaw in question was eventually returned to the store.

JUDGE EASES RHIANNA'S RESTRAINING ORDER

Classy

Injured

R&B douchebag star Chris Brown has had his restraining order from Rhianna reduced from 50 to 10 yards after a judge downgraded it. 
The 21-year-old singer, who bit, beat and threw his ex-girlfriend from his car will now be able to stand nearer to her at industry events as long as he does not harass, threaten, assault or track her movements.
Superior Court Judge Patricia Schnegg commended Brown and his progress but said she would have never considered removing the stay-away provisions without Rhianna's consent and until Brown completed domestic violence
counseling.
The new order which remains in effect until August 2014 when Brown's probation is scheduled to end, he and Rihanna, whose real name is Robyn Fenty, can now see and speak to each other.
Rihanna is also allowed to record any threatening conversations with Brown and present them as further evidence to authorities.
Brown pleaded guilty to felony assault for the February 2009 pre-Grammy Awards party fight in which he repeatedly struck Rihanna.

JUDGE TO LINDSAY: YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL

JAILBOUND?

LINDSAY Lohan will go to jail again unless she is acquitted at her theft trial, a judge warned yesterday. 
"If you plead in front of me, you are going to jail, period," L.A County Superior Court Judge Keith Schwartz told Lohan during a hearing.
The troubled Mean Girls star was offered a plea deal by prosecutors, the terms of which were not disclosed, for the theft a $2500 necklace from a jewelry store.
 The judge told her:  "I get the impression you're not going to accept the DA's offer," adding that she would go to jail if she pleads guilty or no contest to the theft. 
Once again her lawyer Shawn Holley had said she would welcome a plea but only if it did not involve jail time.   
He told a previous hearing: "Ms. Lohan maintains her innocence, and now
that I've seen the police reports, I believe the case is entirely defensible."
It was Lohan's eighth court appearance in nine months - events that have spawned an atmosphere outside the court similar to the red carpet arrivals she used to enjoy before her acting career was derailed by her legal problems and stints in rehab.
The felony grand theft charge triggered a charge that she violated her probation for a 2007 drunk driving conviction.
She could face up to three years if convicted, or The judge could reduce the charge to a misdemeanor, which would carry a prison sentence of no more than one year.
END

LIGHT-FINGERED FATTY GOT STUCK IN STORE DOOR

Stuck

AN obese shoplifter was foiled when her motorized cart got stuck in the doors of the mall she was robbing. 
Jerrie Perkins, 30, loaded up with electronic good and tried to escape, setting the alarm in the process.
But she failed to take the doors into account and got stuck on her way out, setting the alarms off in the process.
When staff questioned her she got violent, attacking the store detective who promptly called the cops. 
A sheriff arrived, but the fatty was still for fighting, balling "her right hand into a fist and taking a fighting stance," according to the Sheriff's office. 
The deputy Tasered Perkins, who then complied with their commands and was taken to jail.
is charged with unarmed robbery, resisting and obstructing a police officer and second-degree retail fraud.

Her bond was set at $15,000 by 52-3 District Magistrate Nick Camargo during arraignment Thursday.

COOKIE MONSTER BEHIND BARS

Cookie

Monster

COOKIE Monster Hersha Howard is now behind bars after she beat up her roommate over a delicious box of cookies. 

The brawl began after the 31-year-old confronted her pal over the Thin Mints bought from the Girl Scouts.  

But the roommate said she'd given them to her children. 

Howard wasn't having it though, even after the roommate offered to pay the $10 cost of them and set about her, giving her a severe beating. 

Cops said the roommate's husband pulled Howard off her so she could escape, but Howard took off after her, grabbing a pair of scissors and threatened the woman.

Dropped the scissors, picked up a board and hit the woman as she ran down the stairs, before trapping her and smashing her again. 
When cops arrived, they charged her with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.
No word on what dessert was served in jail.

STORE MASCOT IN BIRD COSTUME ATTACKED

HAVE YOU HEARD? About the bird? Well, this is a bird of a different feather. A Katy, Texas store mascot dressed as a giant bird was attacked by two thugs outside the furniture emporium where he worked. The bird was injured in the attack. His costume was also ripped.
ACCORDING TO KTRK: 'Birdie' the mascot uses a little comedy to entice people into a southeast Houston furniture store on weekends, but it wasn't too funny when he was attacked during his shift Saturday.  
 "It felt like a truck hit me," said Russ Vogel.

"Getting us a lot of advertisement, people driving by, just stopping by, wanting to see what the bird is about," said Zeke Cervantez with
Exclusive Furniture.

 Vogel fingers movies and YouTube videos as the culprits. "I guess this is life imitates art, because there have been a couple of movies, where the guy is dressed as a burger and somebody comes by and body slams him and knocks him down," Vogel said.
MORE ON MASCOT MAYHEM HERE

MICKEY D-SASTER! STABS BEAU OVER McNUGGET

McNUTTS

THIRD PARTY

DON'T take Xiomarie Black's chicken McNuggets. Ever. Black, 20, and her boyfriend Edward Collado, 31, of Falmouth, Massachusetts were arrested after the peckish pair got in a knife fight. Cops say it was triggered when Collado tried to steal some of Black's McNuggets. That led to words. Then knives.
Black then fled in a car with two pals while Collado went to a nearby hotel and called cops.
"She apparently loves chicken
McNuggets and they had been fighting anyway," a source said. "When he stole her last McNuggets, that was the final straw and she just lost it."

ACCORDING TO THE CAPE COD TIMES: When the police picked up Collado and Black separately, Black had scratches from a knife on her chest and red marks on her neck consistent with strangulation, court records state. Collado had suffered a bite and a slash wound to his hand.

CHECK OUT THE CAPE COD TIMES FOR MORE